See No Evil
by Metropolis Kid
Summary: During WWII, a Young Walter and Alucard find themselves guests at a most unusual Stalag and meet some very unorthodox soldiers. Hellsing: The Dawn and Hogan's Heroes crossover. One-shot. Hope you enjoy.


**See No Evil**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

**AN:** Please don't take too seriously. This one-shot was just the result of a nagging, little plot bunny who wouldn't stop nibbling on my brain-stem. Hopefully, this'll satisfy it. :P

* * *

"Angel, are you sure this is the right place?" the small creature in the pill-box hat asked.

"I've already checked the coordinates twice. Yes, this is definitely where we're suppose to meet the extraction team," the young Englishman replied.

"Well what's taking them so long to get here? I'm getting bored."

And Walter gulped. His companion's dress may have been white as snow, but 'her' soul was dark as sin, and it was never a good sign when the mini-vampire professed boredom – idol hands being the Devil's tools and all that. "I'm sure they'll be along any minute," the fourteen-year-old replied and prayed that he was right.

As if in answer to the young man's prayers, three older men emerged from the nearby tree line and began to approach the two. The man in the front wore a leather flight-jacket and his English was tinged with a distinctly American accent. "Hey, what are you kids doing out so late? Don't you know there's a war goin' on?"

"I am but mad north-north-west," Walter spoke the key phrase he'd been given.

"When the wind is southernly I know a hawk from a handsaw*," the American responded correctly. "Huh, The Brits told us that the agents we'd be meeting were young... but I guess I didn't expect you to be this young. Are the English really so hard up for agents that they've begun recruiting so young?"

If Walter was insulted by the question, he gave no indication. "We're... a 'special case'," he replied simply.

The American stared for a moment, but seemed to realize further prying wouldn't be very productive in this case. "Fair enough," he commented. "I'm Colonel Hogan," he then informed.

"Pleased to meet you, Colonel," Walter replied politely. "I'm Walter C. Dornez, and this is my partner, Al-"

"Any chance we could skip the introductions," the boy's partner cut in impatiently, "and get right to the part where you take us to the sub? I'd like to return to England... I'm getting hungry," the girl informed, causing Walter to gulp again.

"Yeah, sorry about that," one of the other men replied, his own accent giving away the fact that he was an English agent as well. "Bit of bad luck on that front, I'm afraid. German U-boats have stepped up their patrols. The captain of the sub coming to pick you two up says that he can still get through, but he's going to have to take a -- now how did he put it? – ah, yes, a 'less direct route'. Looks like you're not getting out of the country till sometime tomorrow night."

"Great," the girl replied sarcastically.

"No worries though," the third man added with an obviously French accent. "We've got plenty of food back at the camp."

At this, the girl's eyes flashed with malicious glee. "I'm sure you do."

"Behave," Walter whispered in the girl's ear. "If you drain an Allied agent, word's bound to get back to Arthur; and I doubt he'll be too pleased."

* * *

The two English agents were surprised to discover that their extraction team was based out of a German POW camp, never mind Stalag 13, which had the chilling distinction of never having been escaped from. But once inside, they recognized the brilliance of it. By using the Stalag as a cover, Hogan's men were free to run their heroic operations without fear of discovery. After all, who'd suspect enemy soldiers who were already POWs?

Of course the downside to being based out of a German POW camp was that one had to be careful that the guards never got an idea of what was really going on. Or at least that's what Walter thought... until one of those guards came in to do an inspection of the barracks and saw the two English agents sitting on one of the bunk beds.

"Co-Colonel Hogan," the spherical sergeant stuttered in exclamation, "wh-wher did those kids come from?"

"Well, Schultzy," the colonel replied as he locked an arm around the German's neck in a faux big-brotherly fashion. "You see when a man and a woman love each other very much, they want to express that love, and..."

"Colonel Hogan," the German guard cut in, his tone stressed. "That is not what I meant," he informed. "What are they doing _here_?" he asked.

"Oh," the American replied as he pulled a couple feet away from the roundish German. "Well, if you really want to know..."

"No, wait, on second thought," the sergeant said, but the colonel just continued as if he hadn't heard the other man.

"From what the Brit's told us these are a couple of elite saboteurs."

"These two?" Schultz asked with wide eyes.

"Yup."

"And they're staying here?"

"Only until the sub comes to pick them up tomorrow night."

"The... the sub? Please, Colonel Hogan, no more," the German responded, hand over his heart. "Please," he wined.

"Oh, so then You've heard enough?" The American asked nonchalantly.

"I've heard nothing – nothing!" The German replied with surprising passion, and then his eyes went to the two 'kids' once more. "And I see nothing – nothing!" And with that, the large man turned around and exited the barracks as fast as he could.

"Couldn't you have just kept us in the tunnels?" Walter asked with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Now, now, where would the fun have been in that?" The American replied.

And the vampire grinned. "He's right, Angel, that _was_ pretty entertaining. Almost made me forget how hungry I am... _almost_."

"About that," the Frenchman cut in as he ascended the ladder which led to the tunnels beneath the barracks. "I've prepared some chicken cordon blue for the two of you," he continued as he brought over two plates of cooked meat cheese and set them down in front of the kids. "I hope you enjoy."

Walter stared at his dish hungrily as he said graze, but the vampire merely pushed hers away, towards her companion. "Thank you, but I'm afraid that's not... on my 'diet'."

"Well, if you're going to be so snooty about it," the small French cook replied in a somewhat offended tone as he bent down to pick up the girl's plate.

Walter's hand on his arm stopped him. "Um, I'll eat hers... if you don't mind."

And the cook smiled. "Not at all... it's nice to see that _someone_ appreciates fine, French cuisine."

* * *

Later that night, Sergeant Schultz was doing his patrols when he heard a faint moan from behind one of the buildings. The German fumbled with his weapon as he readied it in the hand that wasn't holding his flashlight and then nervously moved around the building to investigate. And what the jolly looking sergeant saw that night would haunt his nightmares for the rest of his life.

For there, in the light cast by a full moon, on the ground laid two figures. One he recognized as Corporal Perkins and the other was the young girl he'd seen in the prisoners' barracks not more than a few hours earlier. Her white dress was dyed red with the blood of the German corporal and her face was covered in the same, baring no trace of the innocence commonly associated with young girls, as she gnawed on the dead German's neck.

Shocked, Schultz dropped his flashlight, and it struck the ground with a sharp 'clack'. The 'girl' obviously heard for she looked up; and as she did, the German saw fangs and red, glowing eyes. "Well, do you see me now, 'Schultzy'?" The creature asked in a warning tone as its long, serpentine tongue flicked across its fangs.

"I-I-I see nothing – NOTHING!" the sergeant exclaimed, all the color having drained from his face.

"Good," the monster cooed. "Then you'd better run along, hadn't you?"

The German nodded dumbly for a moment and then turned and ran faster than he ever had before in his life, and the vampire went back to her meal.

* * *

The next morning, Schultz – still pale as a ghost – passed Hogan on the former's way into Colonel Klink's office. "Schultz, are you feeling okay, you look awful?" Hogan asked a small tinge of genuine concern plain in his expression.

"I'm... fine, Colonel Hogan," the German replied solemnly before entering his commandant's office.

"Commandant Klink, you wanted to see me?" the sergeant asked.

"Yes, I did," the spectacled, German colonel replied. "You were scheduled for patrol last night, weren't you?"

Schultz felt his legs turn to Jello. "Er, yes, herr commandant."

"Good, maybe you can help me clear something up. Did you see anything suspicious last night?"

"NO, herr commandant!" the sergeant replied in a tone that would've revealed to any other officer in the world that he was hiding something.

Of course, Klink had never been praised for his observational powers, nor would he ever be. And the German colonel missed his subordinates tone entirely. "Oh... I just don't understand it. How could Corporal Perkins just vanish like that without anyone seeing anything? I've already questioned Hogan. He knew nothing," Klink stated as his hand moved to his forehead, as if he had a headache from thinking too hard.

"Me neither," Schultz cut in. "I know nothing – nothing."

At this Klink's face rose to lock eyes with Schultz. "What did you say?"

"I know nothing – nothing!"

"Schultz, everyone knows that when you say you know nothing, it really means that you know something. Now, tell me, Schultz, what... do... you... know?" the German officer asked summoning up as much authority as he was capable of.

The sergeant's eyes darted around for a moment and then he opened up. "Corporal Perkins was devoured by a vampire!"

"A vampire?" Klink repeated as he clapped his hands together. "This is the information you bring me?"

"Yes, herr commandant. And we're all in great danger!" Schultz exclaimed with absolute terror in his eyes.

"Sergeant, you were wrong before when you said you knew nothing."

"Yes, herr commandant?"

"You know _less_ than nothing! You expect me to believe that Corporal Perkins was killed by a vampire? Everyone knows they don't exist. What were you really doing last night when you were suppose to be patrolling the yard? Drinking? Gambling with the prisoners again?"

"Yes, herr commandant... I mean _no_, herr commandant."

* * *

When Hogan returned to the barracks he questioned his own men about the German corporal's disappearance. They all claimed to know nothing about it of course, even the two English saboteurs. However, once the others were safely out of earshot, Walter turned to his companion.

"You snuck out last night for a 'bite to drink' didn't you?" he whispered in her ear, and in response she grinned at him – much like the cat who ate the canary. Walter shook his head and pinched the brim of his nose. "You know one of these days your appetites are going to get us both killed."

"Sorry, Angel," the girl replied. Even still her face bore no sign of regret or even guilt. She looked, if anything, amused.

* * *

Well, I hope you got a laugh or two out of this silly one-shot. Please drop me a review and let me know what you thought. Thanks. ;)

*Line taken from Shakespeare's _Hamlet_.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.


End file.
